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reflections: my voice  Choosing Generosity February, 2008 I’ve been thinking about generosity lately. What does it really mean to be generous? Pema Chodron reminds us that “generosity is letting go…it is offering whatever we can…it is the act of unlocking our habit of clinging.” One of the main things I am aware of is how my heart and body feel when I am generous. There is a soft and open quality, I feel light and spacious. Conversely, when I am stingy I notice my heart, throat and belly tighten. I drop into judgment and separate myself from the situation at hand. So today I decided to observe the ebb and flow of generosity inside of myself. What happens when I act generously in the world? And is it possible to create the kind of world we want to live in even if other people don’t follow suit and act according to how we want them to? I noticed a couple of spots in the day that were informative. One was a driving incident. I was in traffic and this shiny BMW wanted to get into my lane. Feeling open and happy, I gestured to the man driving, “please sir, join this lane.” My heart felt spacious. He cut in as fast as he could without a nod or a wave and I felt my heart tighten just a bit, feeling slightly rebuffed. “Didn’t this ingrate see how generous I was being, letting him into my lane?” I thought. And then I remembered. No, no, no, don’t go for the expectation. Go back inside to the place where you let him in. Your heart was expansive. Enjoy that. Stay with that. And I turned back to that place and rested there and my heart expanded again. Later that night I went dancing with some friends. Dancing is one of my great joys in life. I dance to feel the movement of my soul. The night was so spectacular that I walked away feeling full of love and expansive. Generosity was bursting out of me because I had fed my soul and body. This same feeling comes after filling myself up after a yoga practice, cooking a great meal, sitting and reading a good book. It comes when I fill myself from the inside with the things I love to do. It is not dependent on the outside world, or needing anyone to do anything for me. When I don’t have space and time to fill up, I notice the reservoir of generosity starts to dry up. I can feel the stinginess arriving as my belly tightens. When I overextend myself in the attempt to “make others happy” I find a residue of resentment because I haven’t kept enough juice for myself. This is when I notice bits of blame and resentment creeping into relationships where I want the other person to act a certain way because I’ve given too much of myself away during the day or the week, month or year. Generosity starts at home in our own being. Without giving to ourselves first, we have nothing to give to others. Resentment and blame are indicators which should point us back to ourselves, often a painful process. We tend to avoid the vulnerable places inside and shield ourselves through surfaced emotions like anger and blame. Can we be generous enough not to blame the other person? Blame and resentment are tight and fearful. Generosity is open and loving. We have a choice! I believe we can all be generous and free of clinging to our ways of manipulating reality. The practice is to keep filling ourselves up from the inside AND to give ourselves the space to feel the uncomfortable feelings that are underneath the surface of anger, blame and resentment. If we want the world to be different, and we want a different outcome, then we have to change. We have to summon the courage to feel the things we would rather push aside, and to fill ourselves up by living passionate, thoughtful lives! May your February be filled with passion and generosity. Namaste, Diane |
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